gray matter

The thing with fairytales

2008-03-10T21:45:00.000+08:00

It is a curse that every damsel in distress must spend half her life in waiting. For prince charming to be the center of all the monster-slaying, horseback riding, heart-pumping action. What a shame it is for princesses to fall under the mercy of the prick of a needle, or a shiny red apple. What a shame it is, to just sit there and look pretty and wait to be kissed and rescued. To wait for her prince to carry her away into a better life.

When all this time we've had arms to weild a sword.

How much of human life is lost in waiting?
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

sheesh

2007-11-22T21:56:00.000+08:00

its kind of frustrating how our words are so loosely strung. we can't even hold on to them long enough. its so pathetic that we'd much rather swallow than sting

life's ironic

2007-10-28T14:31:00.000+08:00

The one time CRS gave me everything I need was right before the semester which I might not make into. haay.

2007-10-12T20:49:00.000+08:00

I should know better, I know.
It's just that its so hard not to doubt that single set of footprints.

My name is Kim Kutledge and I am broken.

2007-09-07T20:33:00.000+08:00

I'm not really broken in the way that a tree becomes broken in a tropical storm or the way or the way an egg becomes broken when it is dropped to the kitchen floor before it can be put in the omelet. I am broken like a bone, painfully and somewhat grotesque to look at, but under the right conditions and proper care I will heal.

-Kim Kutledge, The Absence of Gray Matter

Here's one of the monologues I liked from speech class.

Construction

2007-08-07T21:38:00.000+08:00

That's the problem with skyscrapers - we forget they were once a sack of cement, rock from the earth we tread on. We think sometimes that they've always been there, or that something more glamorous than callous human hands have created them. I know, it's hard to think that such greatness was dust once, hard to believe that butterflies came from cocoons, or that adults once children

Its much easier picturing them this way, forgetting they went through construction We wake up seeing them the way they are, thinking they were never once humbled, that they have always been this towering strength but

Wouldn't it be interesting to see them again, dust and rock and blood and sweat,

(like how Babel rose with sand and earth,
the same sand and the same earth that it was,
when struck down.)

2007-05-26T01:34:00.002+08:00

The trees, they say stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it said
The story played out well

She longed to be a flame,
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held

And then she was gone.

-ginger foutley

here's a song that will sum up the chopseuy in my head today

2007-05-09T00:55:00.000+08:00

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe

-anna nalick, breathe

okay, and this one too:

I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts

-Right Said Fred, I'm too sexy

dang, I really like that second one. hehe

uh oh

2007-04-26T22:24:00.001+08:00

where did all my leisure go??

grey matter

2007-01-20T18:30:00.000+08:00

I am drifting without an anchor
through your ambiguous region
strange continent
immune to all reason
and I'm flattered
by your grey matter

fickle

2006-12-17T17:22:00.000+08:00

she said: "you are too hesitant."
I was going to say "I am not."
I told her instead: "I see."

bleh

2006-12-04T22:35:00.000+08:00

i know its about time i get things out of my system, but dammit. i'm out of puke bags.

so here's a tiny bit of vomit:

sorry?

it was something i ate.

2006-11-30T17:06:00.000+08:00

STOP INTRUDING.

2006-10-28T22:48:00.000+08:00

You don't have a soul.
"You are a Soul. you have a body."

hmm.

2006-08-11T20:38:00.000+08:00

my pc is screwed,
and so is my plate, my kas exam and my pe practicals
to name a few

oh and i've got a bump on my head!

so i had a bad day.

well they can't all be like this. maybe tommorrow i'll go win a lottery. or a nobel prie.
or fly, like a bird.

and I'll sing to myself: what a wonderful world!

2006-08-08T21:43:00.000+08:00

people are very needy creatures. and it only gets worse as they grow older: an infant may scream for a bottle of milk or fresh diapers but here we are screaming for truths..

should you admit your need: people give you strange looks because they think they're so good at concealing their lusts.

2006-07-01T21:03:00.000+08:00

if I am brutish if I am dead if I am not divine
I am human and that is all, that is all..

a daisy on a chain

2006-05-20T19:20:00.000+08:00

Ask no more.
Only listen to the sound of the trees
when no wind stirs.

train story

2006-05-09T12:49:00.000+08:00

It's nothing really, you and I simultaneously entering the MRT. (a lot of other people do that, no cosmic energy brought us together, we come not by fate, but for sheer time-in checks, curfews or the urge to simply go somewhere.) I assume you are going somewhere. I am too, I just don't know yet where that is.

when I was a little girl in my fathers car, I would look out the window and say "the clouds are following us!" and my father, driving ever so steadily just rode along with that smirk on his face not even bothering to correct me. He simply mutters "then we have to go faster," and then we do, watching the clouds racing to catch us as the gauge reads the highest speed he could pull off without earning a speeding ticket. we were fast, and while I thought no policeman could get us, the clouds did. They always did.

(that was my father then. now you can give him a ticket for being the slowest driver in the whole of metro manila.)

I guess I never really grew out of that feeling. I ride trains and pretend that the city is moving, for the motion of this train is imperceptible; I - we - are suspended in this cubicle while right outside is the world speeding by. I suppose in a sense that is true also, everything about this train is suspended, while outside, eveything is in motion. Everything about this train is suspended, especially the people - it's amazing how close they get without even sharing the most fundamental things - like a word, or eye contact; we all stand so unimaginably close, this distance usually reserved for couples, or siamese twins, and then the minute we get off the train, we disappear forever, in each others lives just like that. Forget that we stood so close to a stranger enough to feel the heartbeat we never even knew.

like one person said: this has the makings of a sad story.

we leave the train. life resumes.

the clock that hung on my wall,

2006-05-03T21:24:00.000+08:00

it started turning backwards, as though it always have. 12 - 11 - 10 - 9 - 8 - back it went. It was morning, and there I was, looking outside my window, at what was to me, the most interesting sunset.

and then my alarm starts ringing

and then I fell to the ceiling. my feet clung there, like some messed up gravity was tugging at my weight. (take that, Isaac Newton) I looked up, expecting the rest of my furniture to come crashing any minute, but they never did, it was just me. I fell to the ceiling and that's all there is to it.

I wondered, eyeing the glass. I looked at my eyes that looked at my eyes; I wondered, if my reflection is me. or if I am my reflection. If in this state of being upside down everything is changed. If everything is reversed, why do I still keep running? You would think, if you lose the chains, there would be no need to escape. I wonder. looking at the glass, if I am the one trapped in a mirror or if she is.

even the happiest people in the world still wear a frown. If you hang them upside down

still, there's the window: (here we go again) no more pixie-dusts this time, just the mere sight of that wide open window is comforting. I stood at the edge. This time, this leap of faith will not bring me crashing down down down, onto the hard ground. I fall, upwards, to the sky. (apparently in this alter-world gravitational law where in you never fall: you float.) If floating is just as fierce as falling, if floating means you still go nine point eight meters per second squared, the same acceleration as gravity, only upward.

but this leap of faith is one I have not yet taken, because the risks I take and the heights I brave are not inversely proportional to what I seek. and because it is much much easier, to watch everything from a distance.

then again maybe it wouldn't hurt as much - just in case the floating fails and I happen to land where the ground is hard and jagged rocks break my fall into a million pieces of crushed bones

when I came back, my reflection, she said: "the sexiest thing is trust" and that I was a big fat cow in thin girl's clothing. I was still thinking if she meant the opposite of what she said (because either way it would've made perfect sense)

I might as well be dreaming.
because I never fall. I float.

Still you'd think I have to wake up sometime.

For you

2006-04-10T20:38:00.000+08:00

(who looks too far to find art) -an acrostic
patricia magno

It is in every breath that we have drawn, the secret
nuances of the language we speak - a language forged

in the heat of war and the chill of conspiracy by people
(not gods, not dreams) but of flesh and bone and wounds never
cauterized. Child, listen! Child, heed my wounds because
Art flows within us, in the blood that still has the power to boil.
(No, art is creation, for good and for beauty and we swore to use it to
destroy) Child, listen. The lines in your palm and the sheen of your hair -
everything is rooted in creation, in art. We of the chameleon
skin and the chameleon languages have forgotten where we began, the
cradle of the womb, the oil paints of everyday life to the watercolor sky -
everywhere, art is everywhere you care to look
No, I speak of us now! (not your poems / stories you write in
class or the red inkblots you receive in their place) YOU, who is an
enigma of cultures, you without footing, determination, inspiration

We are art, we are the fullness of every Mona Lisa serene,
every David stone cold, every chapel cailing - every

wild, sweeping Van Gogh, but better - oh, so much better because
in us beats the heart of martyrs, in our footprints lie the dust if heroes. Our
life in itself is art. The arcane, the ancient
language we have neglected in the dull

repetition of everyday but Child! never forget that
in you throbs the masterpiece of masters, in you
sings the orchestra of the greatest conductor. In
every word we breathe - give glory, give thanks.

---
currently playing: powerless - nelly furtado

happy 19th, JODI! you inspire us all.
cheers to another year!:)

2006-03-08T09:51:00.000+08:00

these negative vibes are showing. but I had a really bad day. :(

2006-02-18T13:15:00.000+08:00

so far my life is going unplanned. its a little funny, and yes, in a ha-ha sort of way. a little scary too, at times. but I'm learning.
like this flash movie plate. i'm really not sure how to go about it, or if I will be able to do the things I want before deadline...

I want to eat hello panda cookies.
And I wish sometimes my friends were elephants. if that makes sense. :)

--
What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to Heaven, and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awake, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?

2006-02-03T22:30:00.000+08:00

"Only the children know what they are looking for," said the little prince. "They waste their time over a rag doll and it becomes very important to them; and if anybody takes it away from them, they cry…"

"They are lucky," the switchman said.

faith, trust and pixiedust!

2006-01-16T22:00:00.000+08:00

So there I was, catching falling stars on my bed one night and contemplating on my longest ever crush on peter pan. Maybe if he were for real (and if dogs really could fly) I could too, if only I didn't know that while I believed so much on fairies, my fairies never did so believe in me. I could not blame them; I never really took off the galaxies stuffed in my pockets, and I kept on catching more falling stars than I could hold in my hands. They must have thought that it was this weight that kept me anchored to the ground.

I found pixie dust sprinkled inside my shoes, when I finally got off the bed. Only I didn't get that magical feeling in the movies, (the room did not echo "you can fly, you can fly!" ) It stung my feet instead, like when you sit on your leg for too long, stung my feet like having that funny bone on your elbow hit by the classroom chair. I liked wearing them anyway, for it reminded me of peter pan (and have I mentioned that I had the longest crush on him?) and I thought maybe if I wore these pixie shoes, by some good fairytale karma, he would appear. Even though it stung. (Even though I didn't know yet that later on, it will bleed.)

Anyway I always kept my needles ready, just in case he drops by searching for his shadow.

So then my window flew open, as I watched in awe as the second star to the right shone brighter and brighter, I ran to the sill and stood on the roof thinking of what it's like, face to face with your most elusive dream - must have been that same feeling in the wax museum when you're face to face with hollywood stars, only better. (as I have never really found wax a legitimate substitute for human beings - wax hands are too slippery to hold.) Peter pan was more than a Michael Jackson. Heck, peter pan was far greater to me then even Elvis.

I felt afloat. My feet began to leave the roof tiles - I was going to fly! I gave it one huge leap of faith, and I drifted into the endless sky. (And for the first time ever, like that cow in the nursery rhyme, I finally understood how it felt to jump over the moon)

I didn't stay there for long though. Next thing I knew I was being pulled hard into the earth, plunging into the darkness underneath me. Down down down down down down

It was a seemingly endless fall. How high have I really been? Down down down down

Down down down I couldn't have crashed harder. the moment I hit the ground I felt my bones dig themselves into my other bones, and the stars that I have held so dearly in these pockets fell all over the place, dug themselves into my skin, like shards of that full length mirror that used to hang in our old apartment, (along with those five years of bad luck multiplied by a thousand stars and a few dozen galaxies and the remains of the first dog in space)

I had legitimate reasons to cry then, only I figured that crying is not as much fun as laughing, And so I did. And all of a sudden I realized that it takes more than pixie dust to fly.

And while I thought that my fairies never did believe in me, I felt myself begin to rise.

(I never found my Peter, but who am I to protest now that I'm in Neverland?)

♥

MOO!

2006-01-05T08:52:00.000+08:00

(or in cow language, "may we keep our resolutions this year (if any), and happy 2006!")

Ignore me, Merry Christmas! :)

2005-12-24T11:26:00.000+08:00

just took the time to breathe and look at what's before me.

the lantern parade's took most of everything as usual, time, money, sleep...I missed my bed. Still, thankyou thankyou God for rewarding our efforts.

It's almost Christmas. The commercials say so on TV.

There's a place you always come back to when you're confused and searching. And even though you don't come back in one piece, you emerge a better person.

I've gone back and forth, but has anything changed?

Have I?

A year ago you'd find me here. In this place I keep coming back to. a year ago I felt the need for change in order to survive.

Not to mask myself. I don't do that.

I had to find sense. I needed change because I wanted to be a better person. Because what's looking back from the mirror was getting so frustrating.

I look again, and see, I have changed but is this for better?

I envy people who are so much at peace with themselves.

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

People change. and friends leave. And the world never stops for anyone. You live, you love, you hurt, you move on. The lessons are there. Can I even do anything to break that cycle? because It makes me sad sometimes.

Not that I will be for long.

Grant me courage to change the things I can.

Here I am again asking for change.

One of these days I will stop searching. What am I searching for anyway? where'd I get this drama?

I'll go look. Somewhere I must have left something behind.

Grant me wisdom.

You know you're growing up when your Christmas list does not consist of trips to Toy Kingdom anymore. When the greatest gifts you'll ever recieve cannot be put in a box...you should hear mine.

But I still want that Play-Doh set. (?)

(so that the castles I build with them will not get washed away.)

would’ve been easier if I could just disappear, forever

2005-11-21T19:56:00.000+08:00

because the truth is that I have fears.
so much of them.

I feel trapped.

I feel like meat hanging on an iron hook

2005-10-10T20:58:00.000+08:00

and that is all I want to say.

2005-09-26T22:09:00.000+08:00

(buhulin ang hintuturo at dirty finger)

sayang, ilang araw lang, tapos,

paalam.

makikita pa kaya kita next sem?

2005-09-16T23:43:00.000+08:00

Masyadong mahaba ang biyaheng pauwi,
mula Philcoa hanggang Fairview ay naisip ko na
ng makailang ulit ang mga bagay bagay.

Tulad ng pagpasada ng mga dyip sa kahabaan ng commonwealth ang
daloy ng mga tula sa aking isipan.

Gaya ng, "akala ko noon, na ang bumbilya ay mga alitaptap
na nakakulong sa garapon."

Mangyaring ang mga tulang pira-pirasong pinagtagpi
ay naglalaho din naman
sa aking pagbaba sa tapat ng caltex.

Kung bakit di na lamang sa aking pagkakaupo sa mesa
sumabay ang lukso ng alaala.
(kaharap ng papel na hindi marungisan.)

Kung bakit kasi ayaw tumakbo ng isipan
hangga't hindi umiikot ang gulong ng sasakyan.

the heat

2005-09-11T14:09:00.000+08:00

Im having hot flashes lately...while it's still too early for menopause, I can't get comfortable in my usual clothes, I am wearing oversized shirts just so I can breathe, and I'm airconditioned, 24/7 and I still feel flushed. And I'm tempted to cut my hair. Somebody hide the scissors. haha, I don't want to end up looking like a boy. I'm afraid I won't even make a decent looking boy.

And to think the temprature should've dropped a few degrees now that it's September.

Anyway my deadlines caught me offguard...since when did I have so much of them? Just finished the story book illustrations, now with the self promotion things, photography, and ge and org submissions...I'm not even sure which comes first. I'm not complaining, it's nice to get preoccuppied at times, gets your mind off some things, although it wears the body out a lot. I swear, after all these are over I am going to reward myself with a whole day's sleep.

Weird thing is, having the hot flashes and all, I have never wanted more to visit a hot spring. San kaya meron?:P haha there's always the water heater for improvisation.

jeepney story

2005-09-02T21:32:00.000+08:00

there is a joy to be found in cramped spaces -
if it weren't for the rush hour,
or the multitude of people,
or the shortage of public transportation,
the jeepney wouldn't have been filled enough
for us to be this close.

(thank god for five thirty.)

even if only our elbows touch -
if only the skin on our thighs are snug enough,
skin thriving on skin-

even if this would only last for as long we don't arrive too soon -

I never knew how lovely the words "para ho" was,
until we said it in chorous.

***
Judge me all you want. You don't know my story.

Eep.

2005-08-27T12:57:00.000+08:00

I'll be gone for a while, it's plate season once again.

2005-08-09T06:53:00.000+08:00

I must say that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is an oddly enjoyable (though quite overrated) film. I haven’t watched the classic, so with only the novel as frame of reference, I think it’s worth watching.

Although calling it a children's movie would be a little bit of an understatement…may humor kasi na hindi pambata…and the burning doll's heads in the beginning? Throw in an apathetic Wonka who appeared to enjoy their misfortunes, which were rather violent – Violet blown up like crazy (who, by the way, is like Dakota Fanning gone bad) the scene where Veruca goes down the garbage chute and her dad scampers after her, hints of capitalism…I'll be shutting up now.

“Everything in this room is eatable, in fact, I'm eatable. But that, dear children, is called cannibalism, which is in fact frowned upon in most societies.”

Had a good laugh on that one. And oh, those oompah loompahs scared the wits out of me. But I was just thinking - loevteam para kay Mahal? eh? :p

Still waiting for The Corpse Bride - Tim Burton is cool.
Geez, I sound so bland.

thursday.

2005-06-02T18:34:00.000+08:00

Naalala ko,
nung bata pa tayo:

habulan sa ulan,
habang ating tinatapakan
ang mga gasolinang bahaghari-

Walang pasubali.
paulit ulit na binubuo
ang mga bankang papel sa baha

(Para bang hindi pa rin batid
na paulit ulit ding tutupukin ng tubig
ang blu-red-blue lines ng lusaw na pad paper)

Tulad ng pagsasamahang
paulit ulit na binubuo

nagbubulag-bulagan lamang
sa makailang ulit na pagtupok ng panahon

nalimot na kaibigan
nalusaw na pagibig

Sabik na makapiling
black-en-white kong alaala

...

2005-05-29T12:40:00.000+08:00

just as you flicker oh so beautifully -
when i thought that my dreams were finally within reach -

i close my eyes.

faith

2005-05-05T17:33:00.000+08:00

she wrote, on a piece of paper (for it was her name, and the virtue she sought in her man.) That, to her dismay, was a question unanswered for trust was something he wasn’t capable of. It was a truth realized in her bruised limbs and cigarette scars - and on that piece of paper, that crucial step to deliverance - the first wise decision she made in years after choosing to marry a drunkard.

"Yes, Isabel" she whispers to the little girl on her side (the one with the long hair and the brooding eyes and the same untended wounds.)

"Hindi ka na magagalaw ni papa."

4215.

2005-04-21T17:25:00.000+08:00

Loneliness is brutal - it is not the silence that cuts through your glass heart or the darkness that cripples your vision. When you are alone, in the solace of your worst fears, you know you cannot sink any further.

But you are with company.

And oh how you love them. Those panels in the glass house that holds your treasured kaleidoscope - beautiful. Their flowing hair, the jewel eyes, the delicate skin - each was an artist's best work; each was a flawless Mona Lisa. Transcendent. Sublime.

All but one, for in the far end of the room was the ugliest, most hideous thing, chewing on the locks of her hair and staring about with her huge brooding eyes. And you think upon the insult imposed by this ugliness in the presence of all this beauty.

You come closer. And you taste salt on your lips as you touch the cold, hard glass.

All of a sudden you remember that kaleidoscopes work with reflections.

pagod na ako.

2005-03-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

and the sleep won't kill it, haaay...

had to wake up to cram a paper. Sakit na ng ulo koh!! I was sleeping from 3-10pm and woke up to find out na wala nang food. So sakit na rin ng tiyan ko. :D I've had it with plates. And profs.
oh well.

---

Kama

Matapos ang kanyang paglisan, naging larawan ng katahimikan ang kaliwang bahagi ng kama; ang dating kanlungan ng kanyang mainit na katawan ay mistula nang patay na paraiso.

Sinubukan niyang tumawag, sumulat sa nawalang tipak sa kanyang buhay; bawat liham patungkol sa kanyang mga walang hanggang gabi, sa tabi ng himlayang iniwan ng kanyang mahal.

Kailanman ay hindi ito sumagot.

“Anong kawalan…” bulong niya sa sarili habang nakatitig sa kamang kanilang pinagsaluhan.

Sa wakas, isang araw ay napagod siya sa kahihintay. “Tama na” at tumindig ito mula sa matagal na pagkakabagsak. “Tapos na tayo.” Pasigurado pa sa sarili.

---

Madaling tumagos sa gitna ng kama ang lagari. Ang mahirap ay ang pagkakabit ng mga bagong paa.

the one with my valentine wish

2005-02-15T21:19:00.000+08:00

Just because this day has always been catastrophic for me, didn't mean I was going to ruin it for you.

the one with carbonated thought bubbles

2005-01-17T20:14:00.000+08:00

I guess that coke commercial isn’t so bad after all. But my *indecision* is. I hate it when this happens. But I can’t stop smiling… ^^ Well, at least I’m smiling… for now. Aray. Ansakit ng pisngi ko.

Aray. Ang sakit.

Okay,.glad that’s over.

---
I guess sometimes you have to chance upon dead ends too, realities that fade as quickly as you close the eyes and and recoil from the world (You can pretend you’re in a new one, but almost always, you come back – you chase old dreams – sometimes you find them. Sometimes it’s yet another blind alley. Bullshit.) You never listen. At least not enough. (And at least not like you used to.)
[Where were we?]

---
Desperate in proving to be existential (in the most idiotic sense imaginable) the pretenses are appalling (life-shattering, even) It amazes me how much more convenient it is to engage in a mindless charade than it is to push boundaries to find out exactly how strong you can get. Sometimes you emerge victorious. Sometimes you are stripped bare and in your pain your truest self is realized. Then again the charades were overshadowing. You can’t just sit there and wait to be understood. You just can’t.
[Will you ever speak the truth?]

---
You become too accustomed to the reality that you are no longer alone (but oh, you are.) Sometimes you are loneliest with company. Sometimes you are miserable with conversation. Sometimes you are saddest when you smile.
[Why force it?]

Since we’re all smiling now. Let’s give bliss a try (else we could fake it).

the one with pseudo-idealism. bow.

2005-01-06T20:50:00.000+08:00

Because the absence was uncalled for during the holidays. Allow me this post. (even though it's post paputok season, and even if it sounds like... oh never mind. T_T

Rugby for Noche Buena

Knock-knock went the little boy by my mobile window. He was roughly four years old, I was seventeen. And yet for some reason it seemed as if he knew the world just about as much as I did (even more, probably). Looking into his eyes, it appeared as if he carried the whole world on his back (or at least the weight of the whole world as characterized by his bay sister). Drop a measly coin or two in his hand and they go away. There. They no longer bother me. No more grubby faces sullying my beautiful blue Pajero. I am a really good citizen, tralalalala, happy-happy-joy-joy.

I do wonder if Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution goes backwards in terms of human intellect - we are becoming more stupid than ever. If we really think that all we owe to society would be a few excess pennies then we really are coming down with the dumb and dumber flu.

The roughly-made parols are beginning to dot the streets, along with the tiny yellow bulbs lighting the trees in the outskirts of Quezon, but the faces of the children vagabonds roaming the city remain as dim as taong grasas can smear thick dirt on their faces. Now, irritably smiling politicians come in billboards supposedly greeting their townsmen a Merry Christmas (at manigong bagong taon, mga kababayan!), speaking of a few facilities they’ve been working on, which I suspect, are only put there to create an illusion of activity, of *charity* even and we therefore have to love them to pieces for it – NOT. We do not owe politicians anything, save for respect for authority. It’s the ones in the sidewalks that we do. It’s the ones making do with bridge – bottoms or karitons as roofs over their heads that need our help more. Maybe at one moment you’ve have also ignored a bony kid tapping on your window, arms outstretched. Maybe you nonchalantly reach into your purse wondering when the time will come when suddenly the sidewalks of Manila would be rinsed with a good dose of the cheap, chalky detergents they sell on TV and wash all the grubby faced children off the streets as though they are rapidly-growing bacteria going though mitosis by the minute. Well they aren’t’ really bacteria. But they sure are treated like one.

And Christmas comes this time of year but for these batang-kalyes the holidays sure are yet to come. Not till they are begging themselves off the streets anyway. Just imagine yourself on Christmas Eve enjoying a whole Noche Buena buffet and somewhere in the narrow dim-lit and deserted eskinitas there lies a young boy hardly in puberty, intoxicating his lungs with wood buffer (rugby, that is) only to satisfy hunger for a short while. “Para masabing nabusog ako noong pasko”, he mindlessly reasons. More than the ulcer killing him is the rotting value of our supposedly social sensitivity. Not that we are encouraging beggars to dot our roads but more than that is our alleged initiative to try to eliminate the root cause. And there is just no use trying to name them all for we can go on and on for days enumerating them – corruption, unemployment, low-paying jobs, consumerism, social insensitivity…but what we really need is action. And we need it now.

Whoops, don’t go out giving money away just yet Think: lifestyle check (politics again!) and look out for symptoms of really extravagant living such as five Rolsroyces and air-conditioned lavatories and mineral-water-fed mutts…to think some people can hardly afford salt-fish, or much worse rugby (god forbid) for Noche Buena…maybe a simple Christmas this year won’t be of a huge sacrifice. At least not for the grubby faced batang-kalyes on the street. But hey, it’s a start.

the one with your song

2005-01-06T19:46:00.000+08:00

salamat sa bawat awitin. hindi pa rin nabubura ang iyong himig sa aking gunita.

the one with potchi-chu

2004-12-22T17:54:00.000+08:00

dec.22, wednesday at Savarin, Kalayaan. We were shimmering with facepaints and enjoying fluffy cakes and vanity shots of ourselves. ^_~ potch was pretty pink.. there were forensics people and some b7 people too. :)

---I missed them so much. we've been eating our meals together for more than four years now and somehow dining with chu's was like highschool all over again... :) like reccess, only the lassallites (annie, ida & pam) had more gossip about previous batchmates (hay,chismis!) and we were made up to camwhore all night long. :D happy 18th, potchichu! ♥

-chu minus two. geesh.

the one with the pink pastry

2004-12-22T10:15:00.000+08:00

*This candle is for you…light it up in the darkest hour and remember that so many people believe in you. Light it up I the coldest night and remember that warmth radiates from within. Light it up when you’re happiest, then close your eyes and make a wish…*
---She was my candle , after all.

Mari's debut~
It was the usual carpooling trio. We arrived at Richmonde at past 7 but as usual it hasn't started yet so chat chat chat...The place was nice and the blue-green scheme worked well. Mari looked pretty:) Missy was hosting again as usual, so it was a night of ad-libing. I missed her a lot. We shared atable with some room 2 people + nix and the twins. Food was great too, but I came home with rashes again. well. :9

"It won't be an easy path - as all rivers have rocks and jagged stones, which you without doubt will soften into pebbles, round and smooth and strong..." ---> thank you. And sorry, if you know what I mean.
Geca and I had such a guilt trip.
Something to look forward to next year: Norah Jones in March :) whee~

the one where I do the mother-packing

2004-12-20T22:03:00.000+08:00

I grew in anticipation with the parade coming. (I wished secretly, that the 16th will never come because I shall miss the FA people. so much. )
Tama. Masaya ang parade ngunit pero subalit datapwat...I treasured the overnights more. ^_~ Seriously I was waiting for a sign whether or not to stay put in FA... I guess leaving will be more difficult now.

121204sun-121304mon
Anyway, first day - we were working on frames. May free "dean" pandesal...(or was it Mang Dong pandesal? :) Gitara like-there's-no-tomorrow nanaman si Rino, kaya we left him to have dinner at Mang Jimmy's. Sir DJ was so nice he gave us chocolates too :) We started singing when we were becoming unproductive...so there...zombies. :) Eventually kinailangang matulog. Then dropped by FC to cunsult for CW a bit...We were cooking the gawgaw when Sir Herndz and Sir DJ arrived...gave us banana cakes and lent us his cd. Hay, I will never be able to criticize him again. :9

121404tues.
The meteor shower came the next overnight...naglakad kami sa UP ng hatinggabi -- Lance, JB, Grace, Jodi and I. (hah, ang fifth wheel :) Horror Stories to go sa Sunken Garden...lalalalala.. :9 Breakfast at Mcdo to follow...pancakes and hot choco = yum :9

121504wed.
+++unannounced overnight--> freestuffs galore! yakisoba, iced tea, iced coffee...the second year lanterns were starting to take form too. Free bread and soda pa from Sir Herndz...na si Tepai, Don at Rino lang ang nagbenefit. :) Shadow pictures...Moving on, pumunta kami sa AC, tinuruan ako nila Ate Grace and JB mag starcraft...I have one installed pero I have no patience for it. Sinundo kami nila Jodi at Don and came back with a furious Nanay...ack. Sir DJ lent us 4 cd's nga pala...so ack again. Puro oldies, may 80's thing, ewf + this instrumental one I like so much.

121604th. *the* parade.
~lovely~
Now, I go home. Was online most of the morning... I got sleepy ang overslept until 2 ( 12 was the call time :9 ) but that's me, so when I arrived we had our pig tails and pillows and pink pyjamas on...oh, Ariel was joining us this time.
I had high hopes for the bakunawa. I thought they'll be the highlight of the parade...Same goes for the Sirena. The balete was good they say, too bad we didn't see them perform. All I know is that our obscenity clicked with the AS crowd. hmm.
It was *hotness* under the bed!
What was unexpected: Jeff was in the crowd. hmm.
We went back to FA all sweaty...we had free dinner again! There was a gig after, the corrs-like band was playing then, and the first male vocals were just...astounding. We said our goodbyes...

It's okay, for a first Lantern Parade. :)

---
Finally, the thing I've been waiting to happen before vacation?
I got over him.
I hope.~

the one where I feel -- something

2004-12-08T19:17:00.000+08:00

I don't know how, but
Excuse my PMSing: You don't have to understand me but…
I'm still hoping you would.

[9:45 am.]
The coming of a new season has always been elemental – leaving traces of past outbursts and the clearing of yesterday. It's times like these when I used to miss you – clinging to reason and wishing for wonders that the new age will bring me closer, somehow, to forgetting you…
I got so damn close.
(and then…whappak! There you were.)

[3:26 pm.]
Kaibigan: "Sandali pa lamang tayo nagkakasama… alam ko kung gaano kahirap iwanan ang nakaraan…pero heto tayo't parehong ngumangawa at nakikipagsapalaran... Ewan ko kung ikaw rin pero…
Masaya ako at kasama kita sa laban.
May mga bagay na wala akong mapagsabihan, maliban sayo. Siguro dahil kampante ako pag kasama ka. Masaya ako kapag pinagsasabihan mo rin ako ng sikreto. Pakiramdam ko ay may tiwala ka sa akin…
Natatakot ako…ewan ko kung bakit. Siguro dahil baka sirain mo ang aking tiwala…ngunit dahil ikaw ay aking kaibigan…
May tiwala ako sayo. Sana’y hindi mo ako biguin."

[4:41 pm]
this is what its like to be insanely jealous.
-- aray. prolonged breaths and weakened knees. And I had to keep it to myself. It cuts deep at the point where I begin to miss you, when all this time all that I've been trying to do is forget.

[6:24pm]
Kaibigan: hindi kita maunawaan. Sana alam ko ang iniisip mo para madamayan kita…

[-:-- pm]
"Must be chivalry…"
"How about romance?"
"I don’t think I'm bringing an umbrella ever again…"
[-:--pm]
Kaibigan: Huli na ang lahat. Gumuho ang aking mundo ng tayo ay nagkahiwalay. Hintayin mo ako, darating din ako sa sarili kong panahon…malapit na.

[1:06am]

I've been sitting on my bed
With a glass on my hand
Trying to figure out a way for me to understand
Through this talk we've just had
The questions I have asked somebody yesterday
About the sign that's in your eyes
About the biggest smile
All your face in the way
Questions I had asked somebody
How you feel only eyes reveal
Your answer's not for real

But I can't read your mind
Not this time

I just wanna know what you're going through
I don't feel wrong about asking you
But I can't read your mind
Not this time
I just wanna know what you're going through
I don't feel wrong about asking you
But I can't read your mind
Not this time

There are times when you don't wanna say
That there are problems in your head that you can't explain
I have been that way
Baby, there's a hunger, a kiss or two
But not forever do
If only I'd reach you
Maybe I'm a child
Maybe I'm a woman
Maybe, I am old
Maybe I said something
Reasons - to push me away
Maybe I have laughed
Maybe I have cried
But never did I try to put hurt on your side
I can't read your mind
Not this time...

-Cultured Pearls

the one where I fill in adjectives

2004-12-03T00:13:00.001+08:00

You are fiery to be with. You're dynamic and volatile and a living roller coaster. You love the attention and never get tired of it. At a party you command attention, but you're a lightweight with alcohol and if you drink too much there can be trouble. :)You tend to over-analyze things, so the slightest comment or action can send you into a tailspin. Conflict with you can be either very productive or very dangerous. You are incapable of lying -- you have no guile -- and if they can't handle the truth, that's their problem, not yours. You are explosive when you're upset, but when the smoke clears you are right back on track with no ill will.

Yeah, I think that pretty much covers you.

the one where I removed the post

2004-11-27T09:14:00.000+08:00

MTV Staying-Alive.org
Music Summit
December1, Bonifacio Global City, Open field, Taguig
Rivermaya*Sandwich*Bamboo*Barbie's Cradle*Dice&K9*Kyla*SessionrOad*Sugarfree and more
4 tickets from ate Jenny :) I really want to go kaso it's too far! well.

Club Synergy: 200 + tickets na! we got help from the boyband and Chris. My basketball record is still 61 hehe… Then to the foodcourt. There was a band playing D’sound's Do I Need a Reason but I didn't get to see closely. Someone was telling his life story and we didn't want to miss that *lol*

Chocokiss’ piano-violin Thursdays: we should have it weekly. :) I forget about cheesecake just listening to them…Hehe frustrations ko (the piano and the violin, not the cheesecake. :p). Anyway the family went there last Thursday but we had to leave before they started. Well. so i'm a sucker for musicians.
Hotness. I just wanted to say, sounds blah.

His* post: ano ba? (it's still not you, you're too paranoid...)

Shoot, random na toh.
-Yes, I was irritated. I know They can’t help it and I can’t help it too if it's unfair but that's how I feel. Maybe I should get myself puppet strings now.
-Somewhere in the living room the dog performed a miracle and I can smell it right now, eek!

27 days to go 'til Christmas!

the one with the tower

2004-11-25T23:37:00.000+08:00

the one who survives by making the lives
of others worthwhile
she's coming apart
right before my eyes
the one who depends on the services she renders
to those who come knocking
she's seeing too clearly what she can't be
what understanding defies

she says I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

she turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her
and watches the dusk
the words won't come
she carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it
that she can be happy the way things are
be happy with the things she's done

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can change me
where is the one

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can save me
where is the one

-The Tower,Vienna Teng
(i hear Pauline's singing in Baguio..) miss ko na yung bading. hehe. Then add Ate Trianne to complete the picture. :)

the one with goodbye

2004-11-23T23:24:00.000+08:00

The song playing in the cab couldn’t have been more appropriate. Cue: Eric Clapton, Tears in Heaven.
Well my uncle died today.
And I haven’t seen him in the longest time. I guess I am happy for him though. I never saw him this happy in years.
He passed away at midnight after struggling with cancer of the liver.

“I’m Home.” he said last night.
Yeah I bet now he is. +

the one with the ukay ukay afternoon

2004-11-18T14:29:00.000+08:00

(this sched was from guia's friendster post... eek can't wait 'till saturday!! ♥ :p I'm suppossed to go only then but imago and sugarfree's at the vaariety show too so...that's just great. P100+P200+transpo...)

anyway, we went ukay today! it was actually the first time for me to literally dive into a boxful of clothes! Techniques class drifted to chika mode so we decided to go to the bazaar near the UP parish. I never found anything though. Mas magaling pang mag-ukay-ukay sa akin si eshei. I found a P5 pink pants thing that jodi ended up buying. the "cheapness" freaked me out.

this morning I chanced upon the FA bulletin and found my name in the Probable Scholar list...still haven't completed my grades. But its nice to know I am probable! (ack) wwheee!:p I'm a PS!

SUMMA: MIRIAM ON HIGH :)

November 18, 2004 - 9:30am - 6pm
November 19, 2004 - 10am - 6pm
November 20, 2004 - 10am -6pm

MCHS school grounds.
Entrance fee is at Php 30.

EVENTS:
November 18-20, 2004.
Free Show: "RUAH".
-Featuring various amateur bands.

November 19, 2004
Variety Show: "Encaenia" 7pm - 12 mn [Php200
but if you purchase your ticket before the 19th, it
will be sold for only Php 180. :)]
-Featuring 17:28, Out of the Box, Sugarfree,
Cambio, Imago, 7footjr, itchyworms!, Boy Elroy,
Sponge Cola.

November 20, 2004
Dance: "Acrophobia" 7pm- 12 mn [Php100]

the one from oranges ang lemons

2004-11-15T19:48:00.000+08:00

currently singing: this song :p

and it really doesn'nt matter as long as we're together...spending my days with you is like living in a world of fancy, with all of the beautiful people I know...♥
you and me in love with each other...
oh I like this song soo much.

the one with fahrenheit

2004-11-14T19:12:00.000+08:00

currently playing: turn off the light-nelly furtado
whoa nelly!

Yey, I'm going political.

I know its been out for a long time, but last night I just watched Michael Moore's Fahrenheit9/11. I still can't see what all the fuss was about. It was clearly anti-Bush, and I'm not saying this in his defense but the film was *definitely* biased. In fact, Bin Laden would've even seemed innoccent if he stood right next to Bush in the documentary. Ah, the wonders of brainwashing. (The roof is on fire, tralala...)

But for those who actually hate Bush, the film would have been entertaining. The sarcasm actually worked for a while. I just didn't like the idea of a defenseless Bush. I mean you've got to hear his side too. (Again, not to his defense) I'd just prefer if the documentary was less pinoy-soap-operized if you know what I mean. Cut off sensationalism. But then again it won't be as interesting. :)

Alin, alin, alin ang naiba?

It did remind me so much of Imelda(the film). It was more subtle, but the *packaging* more or less the same. Both films were award-winning, and both personas looked dead stupid. Plus, both parties considered sueing. Eh, I don't see reason why not.

the one with blah

2004-11-12T12:58:00.000+08:00

Geesh. Some people will take notice of everything but their own imperfections. That is just blah.

the one with my last Magni article

2004-03-21T20:19:00.000+08:00

kalendaryo

How bizarre it is for days (and nights) to disappear just like that—every minute, all five hundred, twenty five thousand and six hundred of them dashed past as the dates came off the wall with a coarse crumpling sound, chucked into the trashcan like they were nothing. And the memory of that rainy day in June, about four years ago became more vivid than ever—that when emerald neckties were disposed of (with relief) and the shoots of the magnificent bamboo stood proud as if to welcome its newly-found company (not that we were going to stay that long anyway).

And a surge rushes to the head as though to remember (like I ever forgot) hordes of students lined up in that gym for the first time, streaks of yellow shining at their brightest—them who never lost brilliance even as the banana shirts gradually turned white. We never really knew of the haphazardly thought of recalls bringing back the four years as though it was only yesterday—like Calachuchi caught in the hair, or bits of leftover tape stuck to the blackboard. This is all we have now. This is all we have. Hints of leftover coffee over a night’s worth of term paper, a green skirt pooling on the laundry, snapshots of everyone—from over accessorized promenade dolls to candid half-asleep dweebs on the excursion to Los Baños, or dead-cold frustrated attempts of taking a bath in Baguio, perhaps.

Scraps of yellow crepe reminded me of sweaty afternoons of vibrant cheering on the benches alongside breaths held in trepidation. There were scrawled notes wedged off planners and textbooks (though half their number was intercepted by Ms. so-and so) and palanca letters and past debut invitations now set aside. A classmate whined for someone wrote seniors rock! on her rubber shoe and unidentified feet marks were on the teachers table. A spot on the field remains warm from where we lay, and a familiar song plays once more—look at the stars, how they shine for you…

There were impatiently ripped envelopes bearing replies from coveted universities (some though, were intentionally ripped). Sometimes I thought that it is a pushover, to turn hats into boa constrictors as compared to skinning frogs, or plotting Cartesian planes out of anything. Sometimes I told myself, “This is the last time I am eating this greasy burger” and found myself eating the next day—a greasy burger. Sometimes I thought that the faces on my gradpic collection would no longer be within my reach someday, as everyone seemed to be taken in one direction: away. Instantly I was burning images of everyone in my head just so I remember them this way—young, vulnerable, beautiful…

Finally, I realized what was happening—I was beginning to miss.

A piece of crumpled paper glints at me from the can. March 21, 2004, it read.